Blogging

Blogging started out as a way of making time for myself, to think about things and develop some perspective - as well as being a way of using my writing skills. Strange how things turn out...

Due to NaBloPoMo combined with the vagarities of my broadband connection, thoughtful crafted posts have been replaced with manic scramble to compose and post before the connection fails (if only I was organised/had time enough to draft in word then try to upload on the same day!). And the reasons why I am writing are also changing. It's still a place for me to reflect, (or perhaps more accurately causes me to reflect during the day - how would this look as a post? what would I write about this event? what do I actually think about it??) but it's also a way of keeping up with friends - real world ones, re -found ones, and new ones who I may never meet but whose opinions and thoughts I now value.

Today, I hit a challenge. Someone has reacted in a way that has surprised and disappointed me. I'd quite like to blog about it - a chance to figure out whether or not I am going to take their reaction to heart, how I truly feel about what has happened. It's not major but it's on my mind. I'd quite like to poll others opinions about this - without having to take over every conversation by rehashing it when I'm not really too clear what I actually think and feel. But I can't. Maybe one day they will read this blog. And I can guess that my blogging about it would surprise and disappoint them...

So, it's a shame that you will never read enough to know what I am actually on about, but at least I know, and now you know, that I really value your comments and feedback. Blogging has made my world bigger and more interesting and that must always be a good thing.

Even if I don't spend as much time on it as I'd like.

Success

I got the job!

Lots more posting when broadband connection is working again and celebrations are over.

Organic Veg

Maybe you remember a while ago, my post in which I worried about how to buy organic veg, without going bankrupt at the supermarket checkout (amongst many other things!). Some friends suggested that it would be worth checking out if there were any organic veg box schemes locally. It’s taken a while to choose one - the post was in September!. But the first box arrived on Friday. I was so excited in anticipation of it arriving. It's a 'small variety' - ideal to trial - and promised carrots, onions and pototoes as standard and 3 -4 other things. And here it is!


As well as 4 pototoes, 3 carrots, and 3 onions it had some Kale, 3 leeks and 2 squash and a swede. The squash is most definitely one of those veg I see in the supermarkets and think "that looks really interesting - I ought to find a recipe to cook with one some day" and then never do....

So now, I have to cook with one (which is exciting), and I've planned wonderful seasonal recipes like casseroles and leek and bean pie for the other veg.

So I'm feeling pretty good about this veg box thing so far - I'm eating organic veg, I'm eating seasonal veg, I'm eating local produce, and I'm cooking 'proper' food. Oh, and (probably because I've menu planned carefully around the veg) my remaining shop at the supermarket was within my reduced budget for food!

Optimism

This afternoon provided an incredible opportunity to witness optimism in action. It's November. It's raining and very very very windy. Yet, we could hear the strains of 'Greenselves' sounding steadily nearer, until eventually the ice cream van pulled up into our cul-de-sac. Yes, that's right. The ice cream van.

I wonder how much business he is doing?

Phew...

(once again, this is yesterday's post, but couldn't get a connection)

It's been an unsettled week.
It started with a MAJOR overhaul of our finances. Paul is still unwell (forgetting about half of what happened the day before, and having 'absences' when he just freezes for 5-10 secs about 15 -20 times a day - which is Ok, unless for example he is off balance walking up the stairs, or pouring boiling water), he's out of company sick pay, and onto Statutory Sick Pay(which isn't a lot, believe me!), and there's a significant risk that since the GP says he may take another 3 -4 months to recover that they won't hold his job open for him. So, time to face up to reality. To take a long look at our finances (which have never been plentiful since Ellie and her nursery fees came along and I cut down to working part time). It was hard. No two ways about it. However, at least there were things we could cut back on, and because I work part time, there the potential for me to work more hours and bring in more money). So, it could have been a lot worse. There's a roof over our head - and it's going to stay there.

When all this started with Paul, and we thought it would be better soon, I expressed interest in a secondment at work. They wanted full time, but would consider part timers. It's a fantastic exciting, really really grown up job (even more so than managing a nursing and social work team... gulp!). It's a Project Manager post for 6 months intially, under a manager I get on really well with (even though she expects everything yesterday), to redevelop and create innovative learning disability services. Overseeing the opening of a new 4 bed short stay (respite) unit, designing and building (and arranging support staff for) 6 bungalows which will provide tenancies for 18 people with learning disabilties and additional complex needs, setting up a supporte accommodation project, not to mention redeveloping and modernising a day service for 100 service users. It's a fabulous and terrifying job desciption.

When I applied, I thought that if I got it then a) Paul would be better before I started and b) that my fantastic job share partner could 'look after' our team . Two weeks before the interview I found a) Paul is not getting better in the next few months (probably) and b) my job share partner has been poached to work in another team where they are in crisis.

I spent a sleepless weekend last week tossing and turning ideas. Can I commit to such a demanding role when my home life is unsettled? Paul and Ellie are my priorities. And what about my current team? It's still a newish team, only 2 years old. It's been a real challenge to get nurses and social workers to work together as a team not as individuals - in fact it still is. It's been very very very hard... with personalities, short staffing, budget cuts... but it's just starting to come together. Another 12 months and I think we'll be doing really well. But what will happen if I'm not there, and my job partner's not there. What will happen then? But then again, I'm not indepensible. Maybe someone else will do just as well, maybe better.... OMG, what if they are better than me and then I have to come back to the team, and no one wants me any more.... You can see how my thoughts become less and less rational in a way which has a strange correlation to the amount of sleep achieved!

On Monday, I spoke to my manager. Told him I wasn't sure about the secondment - maybe I should withdraw my application. Being the lovely manager he is, he told me that he understood, that he knew that I was the sort of person who would not want to take something on unless I was sure I could fully commit and make a good job of it (which was very reassuring because my current post is hard, and I feel like at least half the time I've just bodged it to get along and keep my, and the teams, head above water). He told me just to see how I felt by the day of the interview - Friday 10th, and withdraw then if needed. Partway though this conversation, past the point of no return, I realised he was on the interview panel... so probably not the best person to tell that I was really uncertain about it all!

Anyway. I went to the interview. I did OK - at least I'll be able to look at the managers who inteviewed me and not feel totally embarrassed by what I said (or didn't). 4 applicants, so it is whoever was best on the day. All candidates notified of the results on Monday.

As I went it, I just decided it would be fate. If I get it, I get it, and it will be a fantastic job. And I can work full time hours, but flexibly. If I don't get it, I get to stay with the team, working my jobshare's extra hours. The team, knowing that I am possibly leaving are just starting to let me know that I'm not always the wicked witch of the west and that they would perhaps actually miss me. (One told me "I'll not wish you luck" and another said "well, I hope you don't get it" - and I know that they are compliments). It will work out fine either way.

Proud Parents

Can there be anything more lovely than going to a Parent's Evening at your child's nursery, drinking their free wine (albeit no doubt included in our monthly fees), eating their nibbles, catching up with other parents you like, and having the staff in the room your daughter is leaving saying how much they will miss her, and the staff in the room she will be moving to saying how very much they are looking forward to having her as she is always so lovely?

I know my daughter is gorgeous. But it is so nice to hear other people say it.

(And we won the raffle too!)

A happy evening to provide a solid rock in a sea of uncertainty. I love my family.

The 4 'R' s

The area where I work has "Remember the 4 R's" on the side of the bin lorries. It took me ages (and a peek round the opposite side) to realise this stood for
Reuse
Reduce
Recyle
Repair
Where I live they only ask you to remember the 3 'r's which are the first three. Over the last couple of days I've had a couple of conversations which have really brought home the fact that we have lost the art of repairing and 'making do'...
One of my work colleagues explained he had had a slightly embarrassing dinner party when at the end of the meal he went to make coffee only to find that the element on the kettle was no longer working. One of his guests came from an Eastern European country and calmly finished his can of beer, cut up the can, fixed it round the broken element, whilst explaining at home they would never just throw away a good kettle... and hey presto it worked.
Paul explained how when he was younger he helped tidy up his grandparents' kitchen drawers and found some small metal discs - which they explained were for repairing pans when they got holes in the bottom. I simply can't imagine ever using a pan enough to wear through the base ! And then another friend explained that as a child her grandma always used to whisk away any jumpers she had grown out of (which were usually stripy) and then she would get a very similar jumper back with a stripe of whatever was her favourite colour. It was a few years before she realised her jumpers were in fact essentially the same ones!!!

It seems that in this busy world where we are learning new skills constantly (how to work the DVD player, how to use blogger, how to use sat nav etc etc) there are lots of skills that we are also losing just as fast.

ps once again, I have posted this late... after trying for over 12 hours to get a connection with my broadband...! I feel a phone call to the provider coming on - just as soon as I have time.

Nobody told me...

In the days of my pregnancy and over the first few weeks of motherhood, many many people told me (whether or not I knew them) that my life would change. And it has!

But nobody told me that...

• my trousers would all wear out at the knees (in months)
• my shoes would be scuffed to holes at the toes
• no matter how many boxes/cupboards I have, they will never contain all the toys
• if you really love a tiny baby item of clothing - you should buy it in the next size up too!
• you can function (kind of) on only 5 hours of sleep, which has been interrupted 5 times
• I would end up singing Rudolph the red nosed reindeer 70 times to keep my toddler calm in the car - in July
• you will be so happy that someone else is pregnant because then you can unload all the baby stuff from the cupboard under the stairs
• when you are out with a baby or toddler you need a clean top for you as well as them

and last but not least - wet wipes can clean anything (crayon from the TV screen being the most useful).

Teaching

This morning was spent teaching a group of student social workers. It's a really lovely course module, with lots of self-directed learning by the students and just a little judicious facilitation by myself here and there (which is much much more fun than talking myself hoarse in a lecture that I've spend 2 full weekends preparing!).

This year it's a great group; they are all engaging with the material, engaging with each other and making pertinent comments throughout. But what is really fantastic is to spend time talking about policy, frameworks, values, culture, difference, ethics, the desire to make the world a better place with a group of interesting, articulate, well-informed and enthusiastic social workers. (Which isn't to say that my work place doesn't have similar people - albeit often hiding behind exhausted cynicism, but there is rarely time to talk about such essential things). It's made me remember why I trained to be a social worker, why I still am a social worker (albeit in a management capacity) and gave me a fresh perspective on the enormous pile of work which was waiting for me when I got into my office today.

All this and I got paid for it too!

5th November's post

It's not that I didn't try to post yesterday, it's just that the dratted connection wouldn't let me.
Anyway, here it is (belatedly).

Traditional Curries.

On Saturday, we went over to Bradford to meet with a good friend, and to take Ellie for her first curry out. Bradford has a large ethnic minority population, and consequently is known for some very very good curry houses. And Paul and I both come from cultures of eating curry in Bradford, so it was the obvious place to go.
We went to Ambala (on Great Houghton Road, a bit nearer town than Mumtaz - for those of you who may know the area). It's a 'modern' curry house - all laminate flooring, coloured gel filled vases of single stems, square plates etc. Lovely surroundings, lovely food, and given we went late lunchtime when it was very very quiet excellent service (attentive yet not standing over you - a very hard balance to strike!). Ellie loved it - well, except for the lime pickle which I failed to intercept her trying.
But it was a far cry from the 'traditional spit and sawdust' places in Bradform where I learnt to eat curry whilst a student. Yes, I was a student in York but the cheapness of curry in Bradford made it affordable, particularly if you could persuade someone else to drive and that wasn't usually hard...!
Paul had had a much earlier introduction, and with an even longer commute. He had been taken to Bradford for curries by his parents whilst a small child from Lincoln! I realised what a family tradition I was joining into when the first time I met Paul's parents they collected us from York and took us over to Bradford for a pint and a curry. And if that wasn't enough of a clue, the waiter greeted Paul and his parents by name and commented it had been a while since he had last seen him!
I realise this post will mean little to most, but it was a lovely meal, and all the more so for being a continuation of a family tradition, and the start of one of our own.

Add a little imagination

I've often heard people comment that you buy a small child a fabulous, and expensive toy, then they only want to play with the box. Paul is very clever at turning this to good use - for example when Ellie got a pots and pans set, he spray painted the box, added dials and created a cooker.

But it fascinates me how small children can turn the most basic of items into toys, which are far more creative than I would ever have come up with. Ellie's current favourite is a box of rubber bands. She will empty them out on the carpet, then create pictures with them. Placing bands to be the 'googly' eyes, the arms, the legs, the hair. And making far more recognisable pictures than she is able to do yet with her drawing skills. I'll remember to take a photo of the next one to show you!

A lovely day...

Yesterday, I had a lovely day... One of those lovely, meandering, but busy, kind of days. Ending with a gorgeous display of fireworks (well, it is nearly Bonfire Night). We had gone to the gym where we are members to see the fireworks but arrived to find it had sold out. However, the entrance of the gym was just outside of the safety zone for the actual display lighting, so we just stood there - with others, and watched the fireworks explode and dazzle almost directly overhead. Then we stolled home in the cold, crisp air, feeling the cold nibbling at our fingers and toes. Which inspired me to make mulled wine once Ellie was in bed. So by the time I went up to bed, I was merry and warm inside, and fully reconciled to the idea that winter is coming....

Uncertainty at work

I'm having a time of difficult decisions at work - well, primarily one major one, a secondment which I shall post more about later. Interestingly though, it's made me realise that although I work hard, and sometimes find the actual work stressful at times, I spend far less 'worry time' on work than I used to do. I think the key change has been this whole parenthood thing! I clearly only have a quota of worry time (at least whilst functioning on a sane and rational level), and it's taken up with anxieties about parenting.

I hadn't really recognised this until the secondment came up. But now I'm tossing and turning mentally about whether I should go for it or not, what the consequences could be, etc etc, I have suddenly recognised the absence of such career anxiety thoughts over the last 2.5 years. It's not even that I've not made decisions - I've chopped and changed about enough to drive my boss to distraction (except he's too good for that). Honestly, I was going to return to work full time, then three days a week as a social worker, then 2.5 days as a job share team manager, then increased my hours whilst my job share partner was on sick leave, and now increasing them again temporarily whilst she's on a secondment (at least until I decide what I want to do about the secondment I've applied for). But I made all these decisions - well just by making them! I thought through the pros and cons (what I wanted, the financial implications, the stress levels of each course) then just made the decision. There was no tearing myself in two, no constantly revisiting to be sure I was making the right choice, no seeking everyone's advice, no comparing myself to how others might handle the situation. I just got on with it - and that isn't how I used to be about my career.

But, I can definitely recognise all those signs of anxiety in thinking about how to be the best parent I can be to Ellie. Leading to my conclusion that I must have a limited quantity which I have transferred from work to parenting.

On the other hand, I'm doing well at work. Not constantly self-examining has not made me less effective (that' s not to say I don't take stock of what I'm doing and how well I'm doing it at work from time to time - I have to, it's part of my role - but I'm not going round in circles like I used to). Maybe there is a lesson to be learnt here that I can transfer to parenting...!

(but what would I worry about then?!!)

Challenges

Wouldn’t you know it…? Just as I decide to commit to NaBLoPoMo, my Broadband provider decides to upgrade my connection. Which, theoretically, is really good – potentially quadrupling my connection speed (2.2 mbps to 8 mbps, if you really want to be technical). Of course, in reality, (probably because we are using one of the ‘free’ broadband providers) what this means is that our connection has become completely unreliable….

So how committed to this am I? Will I really try several times a day to get my post online…? Will I dash round to friends' houses to use their connection to put my post up?

Who knows? But let me point you to the lovely NaBloPoMo button now residing on my sidebar and, when you understand that my html skills were previously non-exist, you will see the measure of my determination!

Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween. Here is Ellie dressed in her 'spider' costume which she happily wore all day!

Posts

I started this blog because I wanted to make some time for me. A chance to step off, and step back from, the merry-go-round of my life. A chance to reflect on how things were, how I wanted them to be, and how I did not want them to be.

I think that simply having this blog, even when I do not post to it, gives me a different perspective on my life. It's encouraged me to stray out of my own world, my own friends and meet new people - some I agree with, others I may disagree with, but the majority have inspired me in some way. It's encouraged me to think about what I am doing, and how I feel about it - whether or not those thoughts get written up it's still a better perspective than just swirling about in the tides of my life.

But another part of having this blog was a chance to be creative - to have a chance to express myself. And I've not done so well with that... But hey. My life is busy. My family has to come before my blog. My work needs to come before my blog (at least enough to get paid!). So I'm not giving myself a tough time over it.

But, I am going to make a commitment to myself and my blog. Right now. I am going to participate in NaBloPoMo (1). A post every day in November. Will I manage it? The proof will be in the posting.

(1) Can it e National NaBloPoMo if I know people in the US who are doing it and I am too (in England)? Hmmm. Oh well, that won't stop me!

Things are looking up...

It's been a rough few weeks recently, as no sooner had Ellie recovered from Chickenpox than Paul became ill - possibly with a reaction to Tramadol, but no one is really sure. Whatever the cause it's meant he's spent the last 2 weeks in hospital whilst the neurology team try to figure out what is happening. They've now ruled out 'hundreds' of possibilities, and have decided that it was/is a 'localised electrical disturbance'. It sounds like it's the sort of thing which should cause your lights to flicker, but in fact it's caused Paul to have frequent moments similar to absence type seizures, and big patches of recent memory loss. Paul still has the symptoms, but has been discharged from hospital as they think it will fix itself over the next few weeks/months. Which isn't ideal, but is much much better than it could have been.

And to prove that things are getting better, today the fruits of my obsessive online competition entering have finally arrived in the post. I'd discovered an on line competition search site, and entered about 300 competitions in the fortnight before Paul went into hospital. (It's a sign of my recent worry that I have neither blogged nor competitioned in the last fortnight!). Today I finally won a prize!!!! A packet of Discovery garlic and coriander flour tortillas.
And I really am, genuinely, thrilled and excited....!!! (just as well I didn't win a luxury holiday - I don't think I'd be able to cope)

Ups and Downs

My poor neglected Blog - patiently waiting for another post, and now it's come it's not carefully crafted, but rather a hasty scrawl. One day, Blog, I will make it up to you...

Life has been a rollercoaster recently - not one of those exciting, white knuckle, stomach churning, life affirming rollercoasters, more like one of the 'baby' rollercoasters you sometimes get in the children's areas of theme parks...

Ellie got better from her chickenpox eventually (yeah). My boss was fine about my needing a few days off work to look after her (yeah! yeah!). My mum came over to manage the last few days of illness - and Ellie loved seeing her (yeah yeah yeah!)

But Ellie is still waking 3/4 times a night even though she's better, so I'm very tired. Work is very manic as I missed several urgent deadlines due to being off. And I ended up being so tired I had to go to bed at 6.30 (before Ellie!) on Thursday... but Paul put Ellie to bed and let me sleep so that's not really bad...

I saw an old Uni friend over the weekend, which was lovely! Although I'm left with mixed feelings of how great it was to catch up, and how annoyed I am that I left it so long... (but that' s probably exhaustion hitting!)

Paul has hurt the base of his spine and needs to get it x-rayed - which is Ok because it's under control, but he had a bad reaction to either one of his painkillers, or the combination of painkillers (or maybe both) that he was prescribed... and he's still really out of it 3 days later...
And I have remembered that my perfect husband is really hopeless at recognising when he is ill - swearing he is Ok to drive, but then driving home to the flat we left 3 years ago. Althoughhis being out of action does make me realise how much childcare he usually does!!!

And last night I was going to go out to meet a friend, to swim, and gossip with, but I had to stand him up at the last minute... because Paul was crashed out and Ellie isn't sleeping though, and I just couldn't be sure it was Ok to go out in case she woke and Paul didn't.

But today, I got a lovely parcel in the post - which I will photo and tell you more about tomorrow.... but thank you Stuntmother!!!! You have no idea how much that has cheered me up. And today I also had social work teaching/lecturing sessions confirmed at Huddersfield Uni (just 1 session) and at Leeds Uni (2 sessions, maybe more in future). Which is very exciting (especially as I still also have teaching at York agreed). But, the sessions are all in the next few weeks before mid November, and I have to plan them... and I'm tired, and work is really busy, and my ever so supportive husband who I rely on completely is poorly.....!!!!!!

Who knows what tomorrow will bring....?
(but right now, my tea is boiling over and Ellie is crying " Mummy", so I'd better go!

Too busy to blog

I was going to blog about how I was starting to have a social life ( I even had three invites to choose from last saturday night - and that's not happened for years and years!), with amusing highlights from out homelife (how the pavement is being redone, and the workmen managed to burst our gas main, and how it was ever so lucky that Paul was at home that day or they would have needed to get the police to bust in our front door to be able to fix it.... followed by how they left the pavement 'in progress' overnight and we managed to get our car wheel wedged in the foot deep hole they'd left, completely blocking the road and needed to get a specialist truck to winch us out).

But right now, Ellie has chickenpox. And she needs me more than my blog does... so no more entries for a while.

Dichotomies and Dilemnas

You may have noticed I've not posted for a while. It's not that I've not had anything to post about - just very little time.

The thought behind the title of this blog was that it would be my space. Some time and space just for me. Without needing to juggle several tasks. But the juggling just seems to take up more and more time and energy (with less time to blog). This sounds much more miserable that I am - I just need to find a few answers...

To questions such as:

1) How does a lazy (or busy - depending upon the day of the week) person balance eco-friendly attempts to save the planet with trying to cut the household budget?
You see I could walk more, saving CO2 emissions, and money on petrol - but it takes longer, and is hard when you work 34 miles away!
I want to buy organic food, but it costs a fortune in the supermarket, and I'm too lazy/buzy to grow my own or trail a toddler around local 'good' shops.
I used to use washable nappies, but now Ellie will only wear trainer pants, and I can't find non bulky washable trainer pants in any of the places I've looked...
And somehow, just using Ecover products really doesn't seem enough to save the planet for my daughter's future!


2)How do I find time to be a good mother, good wife/partner, keep the house clean (all of which take up lots of time)and still find time to be myself?
Because if I don't spend time doing things for me, that I enjoy, then I will be a less good mother, and a less good partner, and being in a clean house won't be enough...
But then I do also enjoy doing things with Ellie and with Paul - and there never seems to be enough time to do everything... And yet, I'm still gutted that I never made it to Infest,a nd that there are friends I've not seen in ages!

Oh this does sound miserable... and really, honestly, truly, I'm not. But I would be ecstatically happy if I could just answer these questions!