Phew...

(once again, this is yesterday's post, but couldn't get a connection)

It's been an unsettled week.
It started with a MAJOR overhaul of our finances. Paul is still unwell (forgetting about half of what happened the day before, and having 'absences' when he just freezes for 5-10 secs about 15 -20 times a day - which is Ok, unless for example he is off balance walking up the stairs, or pouring boiling water), he's out of company sick pay, and onto Statutory Sick Pay(which isn't a lot, believe me!), and there's a significant risk that since the GP says he may take another 3 -4 months to recover that they won't hold his job open for him. So, time to face up to reality. To take a long look at our finances (which have never been plentiful since Ellie and her nursery fees came along and I cut down to working part time). It was hard. No two ways about it. However, at least there were things we could cut back on, and because I work part time, there the potential for me to work more hours and bring in more money). So, it could have been a lot worse. There's a roof over our head - and it's going to stay there.

When all this started with Paul, and we thought it would be better soon, I expressed interest in a secondment at work. They wanted full time, but would consider part timers. It's a fantastic exciting, really really grown up job (even more so than managing a nursing and social work team... gulp!). It's a Project Manager post for 6 months intially, under a manager I get on really well with (even though she expects everything yesterday), to redevelop and create innovative learning disability services. Overseeing the opening of a new 4 bed short stay (respite) unit, designing and building (and arranging support staff for) 6 bungalows which will provide tenancies for 18 people with learning disabilties and additional complex needs, setting up a supporte accommodation project, not to mention redeveloping and modernising a day service for 100 service users. It's a fabulous and terrifying job desciption.

When I applied, I thought that if I got it then a) Paul would be better before I started and b) that my fantastic job share partner could 'look after' our team . Two weeks before the interview I found a) Paul is not getting better in the next few months (probably) and b) my job share partner has been poached to work in another team where they are in crisis.

I spent a sleepless weekend last week tossing and turning ideas. Can I commit to such a demanding role when my home life is unsettled? Paul and Ellie are my priorities. And what about my current team? It's still a newish team, only 2 years old. It's been a real challenge to get nurses and social workers to work together as a team not as individuals - in fact it still is. It's been very very very hard... with personalities, short staffing, budget cuts... but it's just starting to come together. Another 12 months and I think we'll be doing really well. But what will happen if I'm not there, and my job partner's not there. What will happen then? But then again, I'm not indepensible. Maybe someone else will do just as well, maybe better.... OMG, what if they are better than me and then I have to come back to the team, and no one wants me any more.... You can see how my thoughts become less and less rational in a way which has a strange correlation to the amount of sleep achieved!

On Monday, I spoke to my manager. Told him I wasn't sure about the secondment - maybe I should withdraw my application. Being the lovely manager he is, he told me that he understood, that he knew that I was the sort of person who would not want to take something on unless I was sure I could fully commit and make a good job of it (which was very reassuring because my current post is hard, and I feel like at least half the time I've just bodged it to get along and keep my, and the teams, head above water). He told me just to see how I felt by the day of the interview - Friday 10th, and withdraw then if needed. Partway though this conversation, past the point of no return, I realised he was on the interview panel... so probably not the best person to tell that I was really uncertain about it all!

Anyway. I went to the interview. I did OK - at least I'll be able to look at the managers who inteviewed me and not feel totally embarrassed by what I said (or didn't). 4 applicants, so it is whoever was best on the day. All candidates notified of the results on Monday.

As I went it, I just decided it would be fate. If I get it, I get it, and it will be a fantastic job. And I can work full time hours, but flexibly. If I don't get it, I get to stay with the team, working my jobshare's extra hours. The team, knowing that I am possibly leaving are just starting to let me know that I'm not always the wicked witch of the west and that they would perhaps actually miss me. (One told me "I'll not wish you luck" and another said "well, I hope you don't get it" - and I know that they are compliments). It will work out fine either way.